20 seconds of revelation

angie here..
i haven't blogged in a long time.

too long.
i got into the bad habit after a while of feeling that i didnt really need God in my life whether or not i wanted to admit it. i stopped trusting him and i stopped making him the center of my life because i seemed to be doing just fine on my own. you see none of this was intentional. i hadn't really realized what was happening til about a week ago when God sort of gave me a little kick in the rear since it was about the only way he could get my attention. at the time it was about 6:40 in the morning and i was riding the bus to school listening to my ipod as always and i had it on shuffle.

All I Need Is You by Hillsongs came on. It had been a while since i listened to Hillsongs. I started singing along and soon realized that the words I was saying were empty because I felt that I didn't truly need God.. an alarm went off in my head and it became apparent to me how messed up my thinking had come to be. it has also been awhile since i've been able to attend a church service at the celebration center. but when this brick hit me something pastor chris said during the last sermon i had heard of his popped into my head. that Jesus can save us by giving us eternal life yes, but sometimes we need to be saved in a different way by him. i remember pastor chris specifically mentioning being saved by a way of thinking.

I asked the Lord to do this. to save me from this way that I was thinking.. this trap being set up for myself

and of course he did. and i became so overwhelmed with this i realized that the only way i would truly realize that God was all I needed was for him to take everything away from me. for me to see then that He is more than enough when there is nothing else left in this world for me. You always hear "God giveth and God taketh away" but for the first time I saw how God taking away can be an immense blessing rather than a curse. truly immense. in about 10 seconds time i went from being ignorant to learning one of the most important lessons of my life. i understood why theres death. why theres pain here. why theres tragedy why nothings perfect because through suffering we find the true glory of God. in a way we couldnt if the world was providing us all we needed. i had known already that suffering was a way for us to grow closer to God but i had never understood it on this level before.

the more trials and suffering we have the closer we get to God.

and then something else amazing happened! all these little fears i didnt know i had subsided. and i was aware of it because i suddenly i didnt care if my home burnt down. if i lost all my possessions. if my hands got cut off and i couldnt draw anymore. if i didnt have anyones approval. if all my friends suddenly turned their backs on me and abandoned me. my attachments to all these things snapped because not only did i realize that God was all i needed.. but i saw myself wishing that i had more hardships in my life because i wanted so badly to know God on a new insanely intamite level. i found myself asking the Lord to throw something at me.. to show me true struggles if thats what it took for me to see His glory. all in about 20 seconds.

i'm not sure why but i feel as though God wanted me to blog about all of this. i'm not sure who's going to read it or if anyones going to read it at all. but God wanted me to put these words here.. for some reason. i dont know.

But God is all I need. and that is all that matters.